Day in the Life: Passing

Last week, I met a new friend, who I know is very comfortable with transgender people – she has had many friends who are trans in the past. She said something to me that was very surprising to me, “You don’t look like you were ever a boy.” It was absolutely flattering, to hear that I ‘pass’ so well that even people familiar with transgenderism wouldn’t guess I was trans. It also made me reflect on my current situation of being to the point I pass more often than not now.

Its an odd sensation; after years of walking around somewhere in-between the two genders, of having the wrong pronoun used, of having to use my former male name, I am now at a new stage. My gender marker, my name, my appearance, and my mannerisms all point to the fact I am female. I walk down the street and am read as female. I go to work where nearly all of my coworkers only know me as female.

I used to absolutely dread going to bars; I would have to flash an ID that outted me immediately, which I knew (depending on the bar) could lead to embarrassment, teasing, and potentially much worse. Now, I hardly give it a second thought. There is still risk and I do recognize that, but I usually do not get outted unless I decide to do so myself. I can walk around the bar and blend in with most other girls.

I believe this gives me an amount of privilege; I really can blend in. If I want, nobody has to know I’m trans unless I want them to. Now that I am in this position, I understand why so many transwomen chose to go stealth at this point. Going stealth means transitioning, then living your life as your chosen sex entirely, doing what you can to hide the fact you were ever the other sex. I’m not quite there; SRS is a big missing step, but I am close enough I can see the temptation.

It isn’t the path for me; I like talking about being transgender, and I think it is important I continue to talk about it. If all transsexual people go stealth after transitioning, there would be nobody to guide the younger trans people just starting out, just as I was helped by several in-transition and post-transition women when I was starting. There would be no one to show the people just starting that yes, it does get better. Its often these people who have transitioned that can make some of the biggest impact in advocacy for trans rights. Because of all this, I don’t think I can ever go completely stealth.

Right now, I am really enjoying the position I’m in. I pass well enough I can live like an ‘average’ person when I want, but I can also stand out when I want, and I do, often.I feel empowered, it is my decision now.

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  1. Stealth is a broad category. Just because one is willing to help others who need it, even if it means self-identifying as a minority, does not mean one has to announce their otherwise invisible minority status at every opportunity. My bff and maid of honor has what she would call an invisible illness. You can’t tell by looking at her she has it. [It’s genetic, like Trans, and thus, not contagious] But she talks about it. She even made a YouTube PSA about it and submitted it for a grade for a collegiate project. She’s not ashamed, but again, what business is it of Random-Person? Live your life, Ashley. ❤

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