Facebook Question: What do u like most about your new life?

This is my first post that I am replying to a question I was specifically asked to answer. This question was posted on my wall a few hours ago, so I wanted to answer it right away. If you have a question you would like me to answer, please feel free to post/message me on facebook, or email it to me at Ashley.C.McLaughlin@gmail.com

 

So, in response to this question, the short answer is looking in the mirror.

In the past, before transitioning, when I looked in the mirror, I had a lot of trouble. Once I was midway through puberty, the person in the mirror started to look less and less familiar. The facial hair, the male jaw, the thick eyebrows, the smile, the eyes, everything, looked further and further from normal. When I was 20, I hated the mirror, I spent as little time by it as possible. I had a mirror on my desk, for when I was doing my hair, but I always kept it turned away. When I would catch my reflection, it would immediately make me feel miserable. I began not recognizing myself in the mirror. I felt little to no association with the person who looked back at me. My first girlfriend said I looked beautiful, but I just saw an angry boy, which was not who I really was.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I love what I see. I see the woman I know I am inside. I see the warm smile that stretches all the way to my eyes, the most earnest and honest smile, the smile of someone who is truly happy. I still wish I weighed less, that I looked more feminine, but these are thoughts most women have from time to time. Now, I love the mirror. I enjoy doing my makeup, watching myself dress myself up, look more beautiful. I love the feeling I get after I finish getting ready for a big date or some dinner, after I have gotten ready. Theres a sense of satisfaction that I never thought I would feel. Its something I can’t really describe to a cisgendered person, but I feel like other transgender people at least,  can understand what its like to look in the mirror and finally see yourself, knowing it is really you.

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1 Comment

  1. Gwen

     /  August 3, 2012

    Yes, oh yes. I am right there with you, sister. For years, I would look in the mirror in the morning and inexplicably expect to see a woman but see a man instead. I describe it like being slapped hard in the face, day after day after day. Quite often the words “Oh, god” would run through my head at the same time as the “slap”. The other day, for the very first time in my life, every time I looked in the mirror, I saw a woman. It was/is simply amazing, and so, so right.

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